


The Loneliest Feeling in the World

by Calieus



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Self-Worth Issues, South Downs Cottage (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-07-31 14:30:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20116624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calieus/pseuds/Calieus
Summary: Living out their days in a cottage is peaceful to both Crowley and Aziraphale. They get to do whatever they want with no one to tell them what to do. However, there are some things that not even a little cottage out near the ocean can erase. Crowley still has a lot on his mind long after the apocalypse that never came, he became fond of going for rides in the Bentley with Aziraphale to help clear his head. This is one of those nights.





	1. Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> This quote from Bojack Horseman is one of many that has stuck on my mind. I've been wanting to write a fic revolving around this line and so here we are with this pile of feels. I also wanted to use my astronomy knowledge for something, so that's in here too. Title of fic comes from a quote said in season 3 episode 5 of Bojack Horseman. Enjoy.
> 
> Thank you to [ readytoocomply](https://readytoocomply.tumblr.com) on Tumblr for betaing this for me. ;w;

_ One day, you’re gonna look around and you’re going to realize that everybody loves you, but nobody likes you. And that is the loneliest feeling in the world. _-Bojack Horseman, Love and/or Marriage. 

“Aziraphale, can we go for a ride?”

Looking up from his book, Aziraphale glances at Crowley with a perplexed expression. They’re both sitting on the couch in the cottage’s living room, Aziraphale on the right with his book and Crowley sits with his knees to his chest and his arms wrapped around them. His hair is tied up in a loose bun; Crowley had decided to grow it out again. Aziraphale closes his book. 

“We can,” he said. “Any particular reason why?”

“I just…need to clear my head.”

Aziraphale doesn’t question him why that is. One time he tried to ask Crowley why he wanted to go for a ride in the middle of the night, but he shrugged Aziraphale off and told him not to worry. That made him worry, of course, though Crowley had assured him that everything was fine. 

“Alright, where should we drive off to then?”

“Hm…anywhere is fine,” said Crowley. 

Nodding his head, Aziraphale places his book on the coffee table and gets up. He walks in front of Crowley and holds out his hand. Crowley takes it, then Aziraphale pulls him up off the couch. Due to the position he was in for several hours, Crowley stumbles and crashes into Aziraphale. Their bodies press together in a heat of warmth and awkward limbs. Crowley ended up grabbing onto Aziraphale’s arms and his knees ended up pressing into his thigh. Both of their faces ended up being inches apart allowing Aziraphale to stare into those golden eyes that he loves so much. It took some time, but once they had both gotten more comfortable in each-other’s presence, Crowley had stopped wearing the sunglasses so much. 

“Are you alright, dear?” asked Aziraphale. 

“I could say the same to you.”

“I’ll take that as a yes then?”

Crowley leans forward the rest of the way and places a soft kiss onto Aziraphale’s lips. It doesn’t last long as Crowley pulls away as quick as it came, but nonetheless, Aziraphale can feel the warmth left behind. 

“Yes,” Crowley says as they pull apart.

Aziraphale smiles. 

“Love you too, dear.”

“I know,” said Crowley. “Now, come on, let’s go for our ride, shall we?”

“Right.”

They untangle from each-other and Crowley walks over to the coat hanger. He grabs the black hoodie instead of his usual jacket. 

“Will that be enough?” asked Aziraphale. 

“I’ll be fine. I have you as well, after all.”

“If you think I’m going to hug you in the cold, you’re absolutely right.”

Crowley smirks. 

“Then let’s get a move on angel, can’t keep me waiting.”

Aziraphale shakes his head then grabs his own coat, a big, blue winter jacket instead of a hoodie. He puts it on and follows Crowley out of the cottage. Cold air hits his face causing him to shiver just a little. Aziraphale closes the door and walks over to the Bentley where Crowley is waiting in the passenger seat. 

“Um, Crowley?”

“Yes?”

“You’re not going to drive?”

“Not this time, no. My head is occupied with other things to care about that.”

“I can’t drive.”

“Just pretend to, I’ll have the Bentley drive herself.”

“That sounds dangerous,” said Aziraphale. 

“We’ll be fine, trust me. Now get in.”

Aziraphale gets in the Bentley and settles into a comfortable position. With a snap of his fingers, Crowley starts the Bentley and they’re driving off to who knows where. Aziraphale sees Crowley lean against the window, his face peaceful. With a smile on his own face, Aziraphale gazes out the window at the passing fields of grass and enjoys the ride. 

* * *

They soon arrive at a spot overlooking the ocean, waves crashing against the rocks. Crowley turns off the Bentley with a snap of his fingers and Aziraphale looks towards Crowley who hasn’t left his previous position. The silence stretches for what feels like forever until Crowley finally notices what is going on. He doesn’t even look at Aziraphale as he gets out of the Bentley, even leaving the door open. Aziraphale watches him walk to the edge of the cliff and he takes that as his own cue to get out. Unlike Crowley, he closes the door and soon joins him at the cliff’s edge. Aziraphale looks up towards the stars. 

“I helped to make them, you know.” Crowley’s voice is soft. “Drawing together all the dust and gas to make a giant ball of burning gas that shines for millions of years. It was so beautiful watching it all come together.”

Aziraphale had never got to make a star, but he did make a few galaxies like Andromeda and the Sunflower Galaxy. He loved gathering all the stars together as each one would light up all the dust that was clumped together to help make the galaxy. 

“I tried to ask if I could make a star. They wouldn’t let me, but making galaxies was a lot of fun.”

“Oh, so that was you doing that?”

“It could have been,” said Aziraphale. “I made a bunch of them, so we might have seen each other doing our tasks at some point.”

“It was hard to tell with all the lights whizzing around, but maybe we did meet each other.”

“Then…we’d have met way sooner…”

“Yeah.”

Aziraphale turns away from the stars and looks at Crowley. He’s looking up at the sky, face set in a small smile, and his bun sags just a little. Aziraphale can tell that Crowley in some ways misses his time before the fall. God had given them so many unique tasks to help shape the universe that they call home, so each one felt a little special. 

“I remember when I saw one of my stars die,” said Crowley. “It was a red supergiant that I had named Azerie. This star was one I had loved a lot as it was one that God herself specifically instructed me to make. Everyone, even God herself had loved it. I visited it a lot when I could, watching it mingle among its own planetary system. Then I stopped visiting it.”

“And why is tha,t Crowley?”

“Had other things to make and do.” Crowley’s voice goes soft. “It was years before I saw it again and when I finally got a chance to, Azerie had become bigger than Earth’s own star. I did visit it a lot after that, though eventually I noticed that something was wrong. Azerie was dying.”

“How could you tell?” asked Aziraphale. 

“I just could. Maybe it had something to do with me being its creator that I could tell my precious star was at its end,” said Crowley. “The explosion was beautiful. It was brighter than any of your galaxies.”

“I can’t imagine anything being brighter than that.”

“It was, beautiful, bright, and…sad…”

Crowley stopped talking. He turned his eyes to the ocean; a breeze ruffles his hair. Aziraphale can only stare at him as Crowley’s face turns into a sad smile.

“Dear?”

“Everyone loved the supernova. They all thought that I made something magnificent and amazing,” said Crowley. “And I agreed that I had made something beautiful, but it didn’t feel right.”

“…Crowley…”

Aziraphale watched Crowley lift his hands to the back of his head and pull on the tie holding his hair in place. Red hair falls to Crowley’s shoulders like water before the breeze ruffles through it. He then turns towards Aziraphale and the smile almost makes him want to cry. It’s filled with so many emotions that Aziraphale can’t quite place. 

“Hey Aziraphale, have you ever realized that people like you, but they don’t love you?”

The question made Aziraphale stare at Crowley in stunned silence. It feels as though the entire universe has stopped, this question that sounds so simple and yet it means so much more. Aziraphale has been told that people loved him though he always thought that it meant they liked him too and not as something separate. He blinks at Crowley, too stunned still to say anything. The question quite literally made him breathless. Crowley only stares at Aziraphale with the sad smile and with every passing second, he can feel his heart break. He should say something. 

“I…I’m…” Aziraphale said. “…I don’t know what to say…”

Crowley’s face doesn’t change, but Aziraphale can see that there’s something in his eyes that he can’t place. Disappointment? 

“Alright, then forget I asked.”

“No, Crowley,” Aziraphale said. “I’m just stunned, alright. You were talking about the stars and then you ask what you asked.”

“Indeed, I did, and I do want an answer.”

“And why is that?”

Aziraphale regrets blurting that out as Crowley’s face loses the smile and turns to sadness. He turns away from Aziraphale and looks at the ocean. 

“Because I have to know if you like me,” said Crowley. “That what we have is…not a lie.”

“Of course, I love you, Crowley. Why wouldn’t I?”

“That’s not what I mean. I have to know if you _ like _ me.” 

“Crowley…why are you asking this?”

“Because I’m not sure if what we have is real.”

Aziraphale’s eyes widen. Is this what’s been bugging Crowley this entire time? That he thought that he wasn’t deserving of love?

“But it is real, and you are deserving of love, Crowley.”

“It certainly doesn’t feel like I am,” said Crowley. “In Hell, things…well, things make it so where you kind of need to question everything.”

“Crowley…”

“I shouldn’t have said anything. Asking you to come out here with me was…a mistake.”

Crowley bows his head and starts heading back to the Bentley, leaving Aziraphale a bit baffled. He watches Crowley reach the halfway mark between him and the Bentley before he shouts the next words without thinking it through. 

“Stop running away, Crowley! It’s not doing us any good,” shouted Aziraphale. “I can’t understand everything you’ve gone through at all, but I know that I can at least be here for you. And coming here was not a mistake at all. You let me be here for you and that’s important, alright?”

Stopping in his tracks, Crowley turns to face Aziraphale. His expression is sad and Aziraphale swears he sees his eyes water. 

“Then please continue to be here for me.”

The tears come in full force and Aziraphale rushes over to Crowley and hugs him. Arms immediately wrap around Aziraphale and a tear-stained face buries itself into his shoulder. Aziraphale rubs Crowley’s back as he sobs out his emotions. 

“When we get back, I’ll make some tea and we’ll cuddle by the fire,” said Aziraphale. “And…we’ll continue this discussion too, alright?”

A nod is felt on Aziraphale’s shoulder and he smiles. Once they get back, Aziraphale will be sure to shower Crowley in as much love and affection as he possibly can. It’s what he needs.


	2. An Answer of Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a lot of talking and feelings. The song Aziraphale sings comes from NieR and I do [recommend giving it a listen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgWygHHfWOM). Enjoy.
> 
> Many thanks to [readytoocomply](https://readytoocomply.tumblr.com) and my friend Pan for betaing this for me.

Crowley sits curled up in front of the fire place, warm cup of peach tea in hand and wrapped up in a thick blanket. When they had gotten back from their little late-night drive, Aziraphale immediately made sure that Crowley was comfortable. He sips some of his tea and sinks a little further into the blanket. Crowley is quite fine with staying here for the rest of the night. It’s comfy and it helps to ease his mind. The question still lingers on his mind and it probably won’t go away anytime soon. Crowley squeezes his cup. He shouldn’t have said anything to Aziraphale regarding that, but it had just come out before he could think of what it might cause. He sighs and snuggles some more into the blanket.

“I’m an idiot. I shouldn’t have said anything,” Crowley mumbles.

“You might be an idiot, but you’re my idiot.”

Turning his head to the left, Crowley sees Aziraphale standing a few feet away from him. He’s wearing his wings-printed pajamas and holds a cup of tea too. Crowley blinks at him before turning back to stare at the fireplace.

“And you’re my idiot.”

There’s some shifting next to Crowley and soon a warm body is pressed into his side. He snuggles up to Aziraphale and lays his head on his shoulder. A hand is immediately in his hair.

“Crowley?”

“Hm?”

“I’ve been thinking about what you said.”

“And?”

“I had always thought that loving someone also meant you liked them,” Aziraphale says. “But they’re two different things. So, I can love someone, but that doesn’t mean I have to like them.”

“That’s right, angel,” Crowley says. “Love doesn’t always mean like, and that’s…how it was before the apocalypse was averted. No one in Hell liked me. Sure, I was loved for all the chaos I did, but no one in that cold place liked me as a demon.”

Aziraphale’s hand stops carding through his hair.

“Angel?”

“How could anyone not appreciate you?”

“It’s Hell. Appreciation is not in these days,” Crowley says. “Isn’t Heaven the same way?”

“Heaven appreciated things, thank you.”

“Like what? Being way too clean and pristine that it would make anyone barf from how gross it is?”

Aziraphale resumes carding through Crowley’s hair. He doesn’t say anything to that. Crowley lifts his head and stares at him, his face looking sad.

“They appreciated the miracles and deeds,” he said. “But not…us.”

“I would ask how anyone would not appreciate you, but we both know the answer to that.”

“Crowley, how did we put up with this for so many years?”

Crowley puts his head back on Aziraphale’s shoulder and closes his eyes.

“Why did we indeed,” he said. “I guess…we loved God so much that we followed her without much of a thought of why we were doing it. We just did.”

“And then you thought of why you did and ended up…falling…”

Crowley doesn’t say anything and just snuggles closer to Aziraphale. He never likes to think of his fall in any capacity and he’s not sure why Aziraphale decided to bring it up. Crowley feels something drip down his face.

“That’s only some of the story, angel,” says Crowley. “…I fell because I loved too much.”

“Dear…”

“Hm…I don’t want to talk about it.”

The tears cascade down Crowley’s face. He sets his cup down and brings a hand to try and wipe them off, but they keep falling. He’s pulled to a warm chest. Crowley throws his arms around Aziraphale and clings to him as he sobs. Memories of before his fall flash in his mind, the stars he made, fields of endless flowers in heaven, the sky of heaven being a view of the universe, and his once white wings. An image of his fall flashes before him, but Crowley shakes it off. Now is not the time for remembering that. Aziraphale rubs his back and whispers something into Crowley’s ear that almost sounds like singing. It’s angelic, he knows that, but he’s not sure on what it is. Regardless, Crowley continues to cling to Aziraphale until his sobbing stops. He doesn’t let go.

“Are you alright, dear?” Aziraphale asks.

“I’ll be fine,” replied Crowley. “Thank you for being here, Aziraphale.”

“The pleasure is all mine, dear.”

Crowley moves to rest his forehead against Aziraphale’s. Their noses bump against each other.

“What was that song you were singing?”

“It’s an old lullaby,” says Aziraphale. “Called _Song of the Ancients_. Why do you ask?”

“Sing it again, will you? It sounded nice.”

Aziraphale laughs.

“Of course, dear.”

Crowley closes his eyes and smiles as Aziraphale starts to sing. He could stay like this forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I has a [Tumblr](https://fadingrequiem.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> More feels are coming in part 2. Prepare yourselves. 
> 
> I has a [Tumblr.](https://fadingrequiem.tumblr.com)


End file.
